A lot can happen in four years. Here are a few milestones from the past 4 years of my life: I graduated from college (2008) and all three of my kids graduated from high school (2008, 2010, 2011), some of my best friends moved away (2007, 2008, 2009, 2010), one of my children is on a mission (2011); two are working part time (2011), I've worked at the Writing Center for 4 years and counting (2007-2011)--the longest I've worked any job besides housekeeping, after a long hiatus, my husband is now working on his BFA (2010+), I am nearly finished with my teaching certificate (Spring 2012), we welcomed a new dog (2008) and mourned the passing of an old dog (2010), we rode bikes a lot (summers 2010 & 2011), we've owned and worn out 3 used vehicles (Subaru 2007)(Nissan truck 2010)(Volvo 2010) and were gifted one from Sean's sister and her husband (Saturn 2011 to present), and have celebrated 4 wedding anniversaries (21 years and counting: 2008,2009,2010, and 2011), many birthdays, Halloweens, Easters, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and other holidays.

All of these milestones, and so many more, were done in the absence of my brother, Beaner. The passing of time, as is often said, has indeed helped to cushion his loss. But it remains that he is gone and missed, and tears are still shed in his behalf at unexpected times. My resolve to work through things between he and I in my last year's anniversary post is still largely unmet, mostly because I didn't want to think about it or purposefully create a plan for working on it. Sometimes it is easier just to ignore the fact that he is gone, or to pretend that we were never at war with each other. It is hard to describe what it is like to lose someone you love and loathe in equal measure. Anyway, I don't want to set a new resolve just to feel disappointed in myself when I don't achieve it by next year's anniversary post, but I do want to change something for the better.

My sister (Sandy) told me a story once about a woman she knew when she served as Relief Society president of her ward. This woman had attempted suicide several times (I don't remember her exact circumstances--but I do know that she suffered from severe depression, and had been hospitalized multiple times as a result). Sandy had visited her after several of her attempts, but on this particular occasion, the woman had checked herself into the hospital instead of attempting suicide. Sandy praised the woman for seeking help instead of harming herself and questioned her about what had made the difference. The woman responded that the last time she and Sandy had talked, Sandy had encouraged her to "change one thing"about her situation, and that is exactly what she did: she called for help instead of harming herself.

This story has stuck with me, and I feel that the significance of "changing one thing" can be applied to so many aspects of my life--from my attitude to the words I speak. I resolve to change one thing between this year and next when it comes to the relationship of me and my brother.