Wisdom, continued

6. Don't be afraid to love for fear of losing.  Love is ALWAYS worth it!

7. Give sincere compliments when you feel inspired to; you will never regret making someone's day a little better.

8. In conjunction with number 7, learn to receive compliments with grace. Rejecting sincere compliments hurts both you and the giver tremendously. Don't do it!

The birthday post

I turned forty one on Monday, February 18th. In past years' posts, I've lamented or joked about my age, but I've found that it's no longer funny when it's true :).  My plan was to post (all at once) 41 things I've learned in my life; you know, words of wisdom for all the young peeps out there who are lining up to hear what an old geezer like me has to say. It's a very short line. Despite the plan, and my good intentions to fulfill it before posting, it's taken over a month to come up with 4, so I guess I'll just post incrementally as I come across another gem of wisdom. The brain works slower and more deliberately these days; another side effect of advanced age, I suppose. Now, on to the wisdom:

1. Be yourself. What does this mean, exactly? If you don't like something, don't pretend that you do. For example, sushi. I've tried so hard, but it's time to give up the facade. Give me fish and chips instead, or tempura; I do like the tempura.

2. Fill your life with people who make you happy and openly express your appreciation for them. We all have people we must be in contact with who don't "do" this for us, but how much contact we have with them is up to us. Keep it short and positive, as necessary.

3. Consider deleting your Facebook account for good. Time is precious, human contact is too, and I think Facebook is a cheap and frustrating facade of the real thing. When I log on,  the feed is consistently and overwhelmingly negative, or has a negative affect on me, and the only reason I haven't deleted my account already is that it's the only way I have of contacting a few people that I really want to stay in contact with. I will work out a solution and get back to you when I solve it. To be continued on this gem.

4. How do you feel when you take a look at yourself, and I mean really look? Do you do work to uplift and help people? Or are your words and actions meant to bring others down? Do you like what you see? There is always room for improvement, and today is the day to begin to change what you need to change. No excuses or self-degrading blame, just take steps toward becoming something, someone, better.

5. Don't worry about the status quo

New year, new focus

Though I doubted whether I would want to choose a focus word for 2013, I can't stop thinking about prayer and how I'd really like to improve upon my practices this year. So, Prayer it is. I admire the ability to speak a heartfelt, sincere, and humble prayer, the kind where the speaker seems to say everything they feel and desire so eloquently and, in doing so, reveals a deep connection and understanding with God. Some seem to possess this gift naturally, but I believe the remainder of us--any who desire to gain a similar ability--can train to become champion communicators with our Maker. Since there is no prayer training manual, I'm developing a version of my own. Here's what I've got so far: 1. Reserve time to train (pray) several times daily. Ideally, this would be a private, quiet, lovely, and inviting place where I could find refuge for a few minutes, somewhere I would yearn to go, but usually it's my car :). 2. Be purposeful and specific in prayer: What do I want/need? What am I repenting for and why? What am I grateful for and why? Who am I praying for and why? What is weighing me down or lifting me up? 3. Keep a journal to track prayers, answers, directions, confusions, revelations, and to record what I've learned and how my prayers are improving or could improve. I think this will be tremendously useful and cathartic. 4. Listen and meditate after prayer; try not to hurry on to other tasks immediately after praying. A definite challenge for me! 5. Focus on building a relationship with God by thinking about how I would speak to someone who loves me and who would listen to anything I have to say with interest, reserve any harsh judgement, and offer sound and caring advice for how to correct behavior or how to proceed in my life. I want that kind of relationship with God, and I believe prayer is the answer, or at least a huge part of it.

Faith?

My word of the year is making me question the soundness of choosing a word of the year. I don't remember a year when my faith has been more challenged. I'm hanging on, but I'm definitely rethinking whether I want to do this again and how selective I'll be of my word if I do choose to repeat the practice. Perhaps it is only the focus and hyper-awareness on and of the word that makes it seem so pungently present. After all, I am not really sorry for the chance to strengthen my faith, just utterly surprised by the constant opportunity to do so and by the fact that building strength isn't so fun, most of the time. It's time to reflect back on this year and all that I've experienced and learned. Overall, I'm exhausted, but I feel very blessed and completely aware that I've been carefully watched over and loved through this experience by my Heavenly Father. And I guess that's exactly what I wanted.

I miss writing. Insomnia's one good side effect is time to catch up on blog reading, and my favorite kinds of posts are short, thumb-nail, life sketches packed with solid chunks of voice and personality. That kind of writing really appeals to me because the writer is so present, and (most likely) they aren't even aware of it. I feel I'm being allowed complete, back-stage access to their thoughts, feelings, and everyday practices. These posts paint such a portrait of the writer, but they aren't showy or over-thought. They share an essence of wellness and courage captured in the mundane, and they somehow lift me and give me the strength to keep going, to keep trying, to carry on, to be.

Late night check in, if 10:30pm can be considered late...

So, I'm a teacher now. And for the most part, I love being one. It sure is a big responsibility to ensure that my students, both high school and college, are learning all that I am supposed to be teaching them though. I try to keep abreast of it all and to not think about it too much, simultaneously, which is quite a feat in and of itself. What can I say? I'm a paradox. Other stuff of interest, or possibly not: in late August, we purchased a new(ish) car; an orange 2008 Saturn Vue. We love it. Corinne says I'm obsessed with keeping it clean--an accusation I've never been prouder to acknowledge. However, a once a week wash and vaccum doesn't seem like obsession to me, and plus, I actually missed this week, but no worries, it'll get her done in a day or so. Lots happened in August, actually; my youngest kid moved out; I cried. I started two new teaching jobs; I panicked. I didn't get paid till September; I complained. In July (or was it late June?), I received a new calling: 1st counselor in my RS presidency. I balked in disbelief, but I'm still serving in that capacity, so it must be real. Honestly, I thought I'd hate it, but I'm really liking it a lot. Turns out I have more in common with Mormon womenfolk than I thought. They's good peeps. Fast forward back to October: decorated my (shared) classroom for Halloween, my favorite holiday, and am finishing up my Franz Kafka The Metamorphosis unit, which has been pretty cool and fun to teach. I've got some awesome students, and I get to choose what I'm teaching them this year which is wonderful and nerve wracking, another paradox. Would you expect anything less? Tomorrow is a professional development day. We're all meeting in Heber, and one of my former, and most incredible, education professors is teaching a break out session on teaching with the Socratic method, so it's going to be awesome. It's beginning to feel real--this teaching thing. Plus, Term 1 ends on Friday, and what could make it feel more real than that? I guess the fact that last week I had my first experience with a disgruntled student and his equally disgruntled parents, yet I lived to tell the tale, also confirms the fact that I, after years of working toward this very end, am indeed a "real" teacher. What's new with you?

Five Years

Last Wednesday marked the fifth anniversary of my brother's death. It was just a normal, busy, teaching day unrecognized and unmarked by most of those I came in contact with. I thought of Nate, and of the events that were so crippling to me five years ago. Today, I feel peace, but it is not a peace that I have striven for nor worked to earn. It is the peace granted by the passing of time, the fading of memory, the persistence of distancing myself, and the love and comfort offered me by God. I have not worked to reach the goals I have set for healing each year since he died. This year, the busy-ness of my first year of teaching has kept me from feeling extreme guilt, yearning to DO something about this, or to "fix" our relationship. Someday, I would like to write about what or how our relationship could have been, perhaps from the perspective of a loving older sister, which I feel I wasn't. Perhaps writing will help me see my brother in a different light, and it may help me to mourn and heal more fully. But, for now, I will content myself with missing him and remembering things like his spontanious laugh, his two webbed little toes (on his right foot, I think), his talent for catching trout in the tiniest and most shallow streams, his inconsolable bouts of anxiety which caused him to sleep outside of my parents' bedroom for months at a time when he was a pre-teen, and my worry for his safety and well being as a kindergartner when I was in second grade--I remember telling my mom that I didn't feel that he was ready for school and begging for her to have him wait a year, but he went anyway, and he spent the year running away and being put into resource classes that he hated because everyone at school had labled him as stupid. He was troubled, but not stupid. Sometimes I wish I had a relationship with him like any of my other six siblings had, but I know they were flawed as well, as we came from the same family and we are all human. Some may even have been worse than ours was anyway. I am not seeking closure, and I'm not seeking answers. I am seeking to have the courage to explore what was, what IS. I seek to turn and see things the way they were and the way they are, not to change anything. I do seek more peace, active peace.